Born Again This Way
Born Again This Way: Coming Out, Coming to Faith, and What Comes Next
By: Rachel Gilson
[Fulfilling “A book written by/about LGBTQ” as part of the 2021 Fall Reading Challenge.]
“Our culture sings that we’re ‘born this way,’ as if that settles the matter. But I’m born again.”
“I want to show you that Jesus is beautiful, powerful, and worthy right at the heart of this conversation, right at the heart of our sexuality. He is not scared or unsettled by anything, and if we are rooted in him, we can be people of power and love and self-control.”
Is this an exhaustive book on the topic of same-sex romantic relationships and an exegetical work on what Scripture says on the matter?
No.
But it is the tender and transparent story of Rachel Gilson’s journey from living a lesbian lifestyle, to meeting Jesus and being confronted with the uncomfortable reality of the Bible, and how she came to believe that God and his word are more important than her feelings.
A Niche Book
Sam Allberry, author of ‘What God Has to Say About Our Bodies,’ acknowledges in the foreword to this book that it is a niche book for a particular subset of Christian men and women.
I would mostly agree with that. It seems Gilson is writing to share truth with and encourage fellow believers who find themselves attracted to people of the same gender as themselves.
From the reviews I’ve read it seems this book resonates with a lot of people— that they feel seen and heard and understood.
I am not part of this subset, yet I find a lot of value in this book.
Similar to Jackie Hill Perry’s book, ‘Gay, Girl, Good God,’ we hear another story of someone on this difficult journey. We can understand the struggles they face a little better. We can better understand how to come alongside them and help, to befriend them, to welcome them in the church.
For such a hot-button topic, these kinds of books are important for everyone to read whether it’s considered ‘niche’ or not.
Unpopular Opinion
Love is love right?
If we agree that people are born with same-sex attractions, what kind of God would give people them and then tell them they are sinning to act on them? What kind of God would deny someone the right to marry who they want to if it’s a monogamous and committed relationship?
For Christians, those are the big questions in debate.
To get a better exegetical understanding of the Bible passages that are used for either side of this debate, I would recommend Kevin DeYoung’s book- ‘What Does the Bible Really Teach about Homosexuality?’ It’s very clear, easy to understand, and theologically sound.
Gilson does speak on some of these passages briefly. Having ‘come out’ in a supportive, atheistic home, it was interesting to see her confrontation with the Bible after becoming a Christian.
She was given a packet of information from two Christian girls explaining how same-sex romantic relationships are biblical but when Gilson studied the verses, even as a new Christian she recognized the misinterpretation of them.
“He is clear throughout Scripture that our desires are not a compass for goodness because they are broken. He is the compass for goodness, and he tells us plainly what pleases him and what will result in our thriving.”
I love how Gilson gets to the heart of the matter.
She goes back to Genesis when the serpent tempted Eve with the one fruit she can’t have. He says, ‘Did God really say…?’
Today we hear— ‘Did God really say that all homosexual relations are sinful?’
Rachel thought- “[Eve] looked at the fruit and saw that it was good, so she deduced that the serpent was right. God was withholding good from her. I looked at romance and sex between women, and it seemed good. Was God withholding good from me?”
That is indeed a hard place to be. When things seem good it’s really hard to discern if it is in alignment with God’s word.
But we have to consider our position to God:
“When God’s words about sexuality are not self-evident today— when they strike us as repressive— who will we consider more trustworthy: ourselves or God?”
That is the heart of this conversation— Do we trust God with our sexuality?
Having read about many of the arguments put forth that same-sex marriage is compatible with the Bible, I see they are less about what the Bible actually says and more about what the Bible ‘doesn’t’ say.
We can’t redefine marriage by ignoring the very words of Scripture and imposing additional implications that align more comfortably with the culture.
This section is titled ‘unpopular opinion’ but it’s really not just an opinion. As much as the truth pained Gilson and altered her life choices dramatically, she loved truth more than satisfying her feelings.
“it is symptomatic of human sin and rebellion that we confuse God’s good things with ultimate things. We always resist worshiping and honoring him. We prefer comfort to submission. We take God’s stuff and try to ditch God.”
“This is what is happening with the goodness of marriage. We see the parts we like— the trio of procreation, pleasure and partnership— and call this enough. And because we’re image-bearers with common grace, we can often build some decent things with these pieces along— which is why, for example, same-sex relationships can display affection, health, and commitment. But because we’re sinful, broken image-bearers, what we build with the pieces can never match the fullness that God intended.”
Marriage Isn’t Ultimate
Another strength of this book is Gilson pointing out that marriage and sexual relationships are not the peak of human fulfillment, unlike the narrative told by our culture.
The culture prizes sexual freedom and romantic relationships— and ironically, to find your soulmate.
“the Western cultural chorus is shouting ever louder that authenticity is only found in following your flesh. To specifically deny what your body wants is a scandal in our culture. When pursuing your desire for same-gender sex and romance would publicly mark you as a hero— brave and strong— denying it makes you a villain.”
The Christian church, too, emphasizes marriage over singleness and as Gilson puts it, seems “uncomfortable with celibacy.” At times the church has even gone so far as to present marriage as a ‘reward.’
“The vision of human marriage as the reward for faithfulness to Christ is a deadly lie. Nowhere in Scripture is earthly marriage promised to any of us. Not only is it not promised but it’s not even presented as the preferred state of being.”
We scoff at the idea of celibacy, but even as marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, singleness is another picture of the sufficiency of Christ and should not be looked down upon in the least bit.
“To choose celibacy, Jesus must be really precious to you. What a chance to testify that he is!... in today’s world, that witness of radical self-denial is almost impossible to hide.”
Part of the draw of seeking to find same-sex marriage compatible with Scripture is that we feel we could never deny someone a family.
But when we hold that up too high, we are diminishing the role of the church family.
Gilson charges the church with the important responsibility of being family for same-sex-attracted Christians. We are brothers and sisters in Christ. Same-sex Christians who give up their gay-affirming community experience real loss, and the church should not ignore this but come alongside and wrap them into the unified, familial body of Christ.
To choose celibacy is not to be denied family. And it’s not to be denied children either. Gilson recounts a friend’s story in which they see their fruitfulness in discipling a multitude of young people. What great work for the kingdom of God!
Rebecca McLaughlin, in her book ‘The Secular Creed’ echoes these thoughts: “For far too long, we’ve bought the lie that marriage is the ultimate good. For far too long we’ve bought the lie that singleness is second-best. For far too long we’ve undervalued same-sex love and bought the lie that the nuclear family is more important than the church.” [her reference to same-sex love here is in regards to friendship and the sibling-like love of Christians in the church]
Rightful Critique
Rachel rightfully calls out wrong that has been done to same-sex-attracted people.
She talks about churches, especially in the 1980s and 90s that assumed people were choosing homosexuality in rebellion to God and that they needed to achieve heterosexuality to break that bond. Gilson critiques reparative therapy that was used for that end.
[Sidenote: There are now laws being placed to prohibit ‘conversion therapy.’ While there are certainly types of therapy being done to the detriment of struggling people, these laws, though appearing good, are broad and could mean challenging things for the church. What is considered ‘conversion therapy’? Well probably any form of discussion that indicates same-sex attraction is wrong, regardless of if they communicate a plan to ‘fix’ it. This would complicate any biblical counseling same-sex-attracted Christians would seek.]
Gilson critiques churches and Christians who viewed same-sex-attracted individuals as untrustworthy or disgusting or perverted.
These were all harmful and inexcusable responses to these image-bearers.
Gilson acknowledges that same-sex attraction is not something that can necessarily ‘be fixed.’ God may decide to change your attractions (and shares an example of this) but that is not a guarantee, nor even common.
Marriage, she affirms, should not be entered into as a way to ‘turn straight.’
The church must acknowledge and repent of the ways it has hurt and mistreated same-sex-attracted people. The church family should be a safe place for all people to come and to unburden their souls, and to be able to talk about their struggles, not feel shame and be turned away or made to feel less than.
Yet, even as the church has failed in these ways, we cannot deny what God teaches in his word, even if those truths were applied hurtfully. We must do better, but we cannot change the truth.
Identity
“So much of the cultural drive recently has been to assert that if you have these attractions, then you must name them and base your identity on them. Not to do so is to live in the closet: a place of shame and woe.”
Something I wanted to point out is Gilson’s terminology— referring to herself as a same-sex-attracted Christian. I appreciated this language. While she does not state this usage as prescriptive, her explanation is valid:
“I worry that calling oneself a gay or queer Christian creates too much opportunity for this part of our lives to shape our identities in ways that are unhelpful— to perhaps close us off from things God may want to do, or allow types of compromise with attraction. It’s all too easy to slide from recognizing something as true about myself to seeing it as the truth about myself.”
To me, using the terminology ‘same-sex-attracted Christian’ defines the struggle without presenting it as a core identity marker or confusing it with the implication of a practicing gay lifestyle. Again, not a prescription, but something I agreed with Gilson about.
Awhile back I read Justin Lee’s book, ‘Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays vs Christian Debate’, and I remember one thing that struck me was how vital the adjective ‘gay’ was to his identity. Being a ‘gay Christian’ seemed to be the core of who he viewed himself to be.
Lee falls on the side of the debate that views same-sex marriage compatible with the Bible so I disagreed with his interpretation of Scripture, but even more so, you could tell that his identity was not actually in the gospel he claimed to be ‘rescuing.’
Gilson says,
“The Bible’s words on life and sexuality have offended every culture in every age, as people have risen up to try to save God from his own bad image. What if it’s not him who needs saving but us? If God never says anything that contradicts us, if we find ourselves in total alignment with a perfectly righteous all-knowing being who comprehends all mystery, which is more likely: that we’re just like him or that we’re missing something?” (1 Thess 4:8)
Conclusion
I thought this was a very thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate book full of vulnerability, authenticity, truth, and encouragement. Not just for same-sex-attracted Christians who are struggling with how to reconcile their feelings with their faith and find belonging in the church.
But for anyone who deals with any desires that are sinful— and we all have them!
“...the Bible points to a spiritual source of all desire that is contrary to God’s will. That it is spiritual doesn’t mean that it isn’t also “natural” (Eph 2:1-3)... Natural doesn’t automatically mean good, therefore. We may well have been “born this way,” but every one of us was born sinful.”
Indeed, we are born ‘this way’ but we are born again! And we are given the Holy Spirit who is at work conforming us more and more into the image of Christ.
“We are never promised relief from the presence of dangerous desires, but we are promised power to fight victoriously. (1 Cor 10:13)”
Philippians 1:6 says, “being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
I love this book and highly recommend it!
A Few More Quotes
“Obedience will never lead us away from God’s blessing— it will always lead us toward it. That’s true even when it doesn’t look that way in the world’s eyes.”
“We have been formed by a culture in love with romance and sex but not in love with our Creator. We have to constantly poke at our expectations, our hopes, and our fears.”
“God doesn’t ask us to explain the history and occurrence of each desire for sin… Rather, he calls us to resist temptation and choose holiness, by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
“God is the designer of marriage and sex, and he gave them to us precisely to bless us and to tell us truth about himself and us. But we are wrong when we wrench the gift out of his hands and use it against its design. One of the reasons why cancer is so insidious is that it takes a healthy, good function of the cell—reproduction— and directs it toward unhealthy ends… Cancer doesn’t change the power of the cell, but it changes the purpose. Likewise, when we co-opt sexuality away from God, we don’t remove its power… But we can destroy its purpose… This is especially true with same-sex romance, because the lack of sexual difference in the partnership completely obscures the picture God intends for sex to carry, and instead turns it inward. The picture becomes one of idolatry, not true worship.”
Further Reading
[Many of these were linked throughout my review]
Gay Girl, Good God by Jackie Hill Perry
What Does the Bible Really Teach about Homosexuality? by Kevin DeYoung
Is God Anti-Gay?: And Other Questions about Homosexuality, the Bible, and Same-Sex Attraction by Sam Allberry
What Does God Say About Our Bodies? by Sam Allberry
The Secular Creed by Rebecca McLaughlin (There is a chapter called ‘Love is Love’
a(Typical) Woman by Abigail Dodds
Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers by Dane Ortlund
The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self by Carl Trueman
Share this book review to your social media!