Wild Things
Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys
By: Stephen James and David Thomas
[Fulfilled ‘Two books by different authors who have the same last name’ prompt as part of Shelf Reflection’s 2025 Reading Challenge]
“They need to see that there are many ways to be brave; many ways to be caring and compassionate; many ways to be adventurous and creative; many ways to be strong.”
I always thought I’d be a boy-mom because girls were too complex and hard to share a bathroom with. And of course, because I can control that, I had two girls. After having girls, the thought of raising boys felt foreign and hard and gross to share a bathroom with. So of course, because I can control that, I had twin boys. Because if boys are difficult, we might as well do two at once.
Needless to say, having two girls and two boys, I see the differences between boys and girls every day— the way they play, the way the interact with others, the way they handle conflict or injury, the connections they make, the things they observe.
While some negative reviewers gave up on the book claiming it to be too gendered or sexist, I find that claim obvious and unfounded respectively. ‘Obvious’ because there are so many biological differences between boys and girls. It doesn’t make one gender better or smarter than another. It’s just biology. (Generally speaking) Boys learn differently than girls whether we like it or not. Boys’ brains function differently than girls’ whether we like it or not.
“The male brain is wired for activity; the female brain is biased toward personal connections.”
This book acknowledges those differences like this and seeks to help parents love their boys best by recognizing their biology and helping nurture them into the men they will be.
‘Unfounded’ because this doesn’t make it sexist. And it doesn’t make it outdated. It makes it curated to the realities of boys and how we can nurture their nature.
Especially in terms of how boys learn best, it reminded me a lot of the book The War Against Boys by Christina Sommers. If you’re interested in the education system and the challenges boys face and the realities of how this influences their futures, this book would also be a good read.
Now, is this the only book you’ll need to parent well and understand everything about your child? No. And it’s not trying to be. Let this one be one of many. No one book can cover everything you need as a parent to love and teach your child everything they need to know. HERE are all the parenting books I’ve read and reviewed if any of them pique your interest.
I would also say that this book is not full of groundbreaking information and advice. You’ve probably heard a lot of it before. You probably observe a lot of it already. For me, it was a lot of ‘oh yeah, I’ve seen the boys do that or react that way.’
I’m not sure if I totally agree with everything they put forth. I’m still processing some of it, especially in terms of how we engage emotions and feelings. In some ways I wonder if they make too much of that. While I want to make sure my boys have the words they need to express their feelings and understand their emotions, I don’t want to dwell too much on what they’re feeling without directing those feelings towards truth.
They mention allowing boys to “express the fullness of his heart” and I’m not entirely sure what that means. My boys often throw fits and execute a lot of whining to express the fullness of their hearts and I’m not sure always allowing that is appropriate or good for them.
They also talk about being careful not to shame our sons. I’ve pondered this concept of shame quite a bit and maybe I get hung up on it because I’m looking at it a different way.
If my boys do something wrong, I want them to know it’s wrong and to feel some gravity from the weight of their choice and how it might affect others. I think feeling shame for our sin is right— as long as we are directing them to forgiveness in Christ and the one who lifts the burden of their sin. Shame that leads to repentance and reconciliation, not in a domineering way but in a way that recognizes the human condition and the divine remedy.
And so it gets a little murky at times to know when you’re crossing the line of right shame into wrong shame.
So the things surrounding emotions and shame are things I may diverge a little bit on what they wrote in this particular book— and that could just be that though they mention God and sin periodically in the book, their focus is not necessarily a spiritual one in every way and so some of the language that I might use with my kids wasn’t provided here.
I am definitely a ‘list’ person but I also started to get a little overwhelmed by all the lists they suggest for different things because how many lists can I realistically utilize or create? I like the idea of lists and think they’re helpful but I’m not in an organizational place right now to add a bunch of lists.
However, even if you don’t totally align with their parenting style or methods, I think the book provides a lot of good topics to think about and ponder. To decide how you’re going to parent the variety of circumstances or facets of boys.
From the start they recognize that while boys are different than girls, not all boys are the same. They have different personalities, interests, and tendencies.
“We don’t offer a black-and-white list of do’s and don’ts for raising boys; instead, we create a framework that will help you engage, guide, and walk with the boy you love throughout his life…”
They divide their book in three parts:
The way of the boy: developmental view (differences between 5 different age groups 2-4 through 18-22)
The mind of the boy: neurology and physiology (how the brain works, how they learn, etc)
What I liked here was when they went through common mistakes caregivers make that push up against the way a boy’s brain works:
“Common mistakes many caregivers make with boys: confining them, verbally or emotionally flooding them, sparring with them, rescuing them, squelching them, shaming them, guilt-tripping them, and sabotaging them.”
The heart of the boy: emotional, spiritual, moral development (how to nurture their heart, father and mother’s different relationship with a son, rite and rituals)
What I liked here was the idea of creating some sort of rite of passage for a boy ‘entering into manhood’. There is a lot of flexibility here in tailoring it to your son’s interests and personality but the idea of including other men in their life to help send him forward with the right mindset of what it means to a be a godly man in this world can be very grounding and helpful for a boy in shaping his identity and place in the world.
“Before a boy steps into his teenage years, he needs to have a handle on key character traits such as compassion, honesty, self-control, discernment, respect for self and others, personal responsibility, the courage to do what is right, and the strength to stand up for personal convictions.”
“Though environmental influences (primarily family and culture), life experiences, socialization, and inherited genetic personality traits directly influence who a boy is, we cannot overlook his essential nature. And we can’t nurture out the nature (nor would we want to.)
One thing I’m glad they talk about is how in today’s world our boys are outright told or at the very least made to feel like just being male is a negative thing- men are violent and they hurt and dominate and females need to be hyperaware of all males.
There is some wisdom to have in females interacting with males in certain contexts, but the idea that to be male is to be a danger is not something I ever want my boys to grow up feeling the weight of.
There is so much out there right now that is an attempt to make males more female. Their aggression and confidence and strength are portrayed as negative things.
“At their core, boys are not calm, quiet, or neat. As they face the world, they are told more often than not that who they are is not who they need to be.”
And in truth, they totally can be negative if used improperly. But nurturing boys’ nature is to help them see that these traits are good and can help you serve and protect others. As with all traits— they can be used for good or bad.
I’ll recommend here the book Reclaiming Masculinity. And before you get triggered by the word ‘masculinity’ it is not a book championing rugged wilderness men who wrestle bears and flex their muscles all the time. It’s a book describing the principles of what godly (not traditional) masculinity looks like, and it’s very helpful in combating the label ‘toxic masculinity’ which is a term that I think we will see is very damaging to young boys growing up in this world and trying to figure out how they belong.
“Helping boys grow and mature into men means providing an environment that acknowledges and supports them in their maleness, not one that demands they be different.”
I thought it was interesting when they said:
“With boys, most rebellion and trouble stem from one of two sources: an impaired expression of what is going on emotionally inside their hearts or an immature attempt to answer their heart’s core questions… When boys can’t articulate what’s really going on in their hearts, of when they come up empty in their core questions, they often resort to behavior that can be completely irrational.”
The heart’s core questions that they list are: ‘do I have what it takes?’, ‘am I the real deal?’(I’m not sure what this one means), and ‘do I matter?’.
So when we’re struggling with rebellious kids, we help them understand what they might be feeling (and direct it to truth) or we help them answer the core questions. The last one is important for both boys and girls— everyone wants to know that they matter and caregivers play a huge role in helping children answer that question.
I also liked how at the end of each chapter they had a section about putting the principles into practice with some tips on how to actually integrate the information into real life.
I think I still would have loved some more specific examples, but I understand that to do that for all the different age groups would make the book so much longer.
In that way, this may be a good book to read with a group of caregivers who have kids in varying age groups and help each other through the different stages and share experiences of what you’ve done that has or has not worked.
Again, the book is not prescriptive but allows for a lot of attuning to your specific child so no two families will look the exact same in terms of how they parent their boys and that’s fine, but to have others going through it speak into each other’s experiences can be really helpful.
At the end of the book they have a section that covers 15 ‘hot topics’ like spanking, homosexuality, pornography, ADD, abuse, etc. They just give one or two pages per topic with a brief discussion.
That is followed by a list of further resources, including where to find a list of movies to watch with your boys and some books that aid in teaching boys about the changes happening in their bodies.
Recommendation
This is a good book and reference book to have as you raise boys from toddlers to adults and seek to nurture their natures and help them discover what it means to be a man in the world.
Even if you won’t agree with everything they say, I’d still recommend it because it will bring up areas that you will need to know how to parent and so it will offer a perspective and help you think through what works with your own family.
There are ways that you need to parent and teach boys and girls differently. You just do. It’s not sexist, it’s loving because it understands that God loves diversity and created males and females differently and we want to help our children be who God created them to be.
If you are interested in a girl-specific book, one that I would recommend is Raising Worry-Free Girls that addresses some of the struggles girls might have— again, I wish it went without saying, but none of these books are meant to be exhaustive. They have a focus and that’s why you should read more than one.
I would also recommend Raising Confident Kids in a Confusing World by Ed Drew.
And another one I recommend that I haven’t finished reading yet but is written by a dad of all boys— Habits of a Household —which is about creating good rhythms in your home from morning through play, work, meals, bedtime and everything in between!
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