Confessions of a Mom-Aged Drama Queen

Breath

Nov 1

Confessions of a Mom-Aged Drama Queen
By: Brittany Shields

I took some pictures of my kids recently. When I went to post one on social media I scrolled past the pictures where someone is crying or picking their nose. Past the pouting, and the squinting. Past the blurs where mid-snap I had to push someone down to keep them sitting. Finally I found the (mostly) smiling one! Apply filter, post with pithy caption. Done.

We are all aware of our curated digital lives.

And in some sense, that’s okay. Social media is not the most meaningful place to bear our souls.

But this careful curation spills out into our face-to-face, daily lives doesn’t it?

We can’t help but want to appear a certain way. We have our lives together. We’re fine. Come be my friend, I’m normal!

Well I have a confession to make.

I’m not normal.

Because what even is ‘normal’?

And I don’t have it all together.

Because what even is ‘all together’?

I have 3 and 6 year old daughters and 2 year old twin sons. People ask me all the time how I do it. The only right answer is ‘the overflowing grace of God.’

But another answer is ‘I do what I can and hope for the best.’ And usually (surprisingly or not) it’s worked out fine.

Until it doesn’t.

And when it doesn’t your kids and your furniture have black marker all over them.

When it doesn’t you’re blocks from home and everyone is crying and your daughter needs stitches.

When it doesn’t you’re sitting on the couch by yourself realizing it’s too quiet and your 2 year old appears out of thin air and plops an open pair of hedge clippers in your lap. We do not keep those in the house. You fill in the blanks.

To give a true confession requires full honesty.

Here. Allow me to continue:

When I hear crying I don’t always go running.

My kids generally live on a diet of chicken nuggets, hot dogs, fruit, and BodyArmour.

I only shower twice a week. (if I’m paying attention)

I once told my kids if they didn’t eat their food they would die.

I don’t know when I changed my sheets last.

Getting my kids to wash their hands regularly apparently wasn’t a priority for me.

I’ve frustratedly said to my child- “Why are you the way you are?!”

Is this real enough yet?

Confession humbles us. We are forced to acknowledge our reality. Our inadequacies and our sins.

But this leads to growth!

We can’t see the depth of God’s forgiveness until we see how much we need it! We can’t see the gravity of Christ’s sufficiency until we come to the end of ourselves and relinquish control.

We need to be honest with ourselves and with God. We need to repent where we should and receive his forgiveness.

We need to derive our strength, worth, and identity from him and not how we measure up to other moms.

Once we make this practice of confession the way we relate to other moms changes.

Who is the rock star mom in your life? The one you look up to. The one you reverently approach with the request: ‘Show me your ways.’

We put these moms on pedestals. We set our goal, whether conscious or not. And we strive. We try to get ourselves up there. We follow the formula. Do as she does, say as she says, and we will become such and such moms with such and such kids.

But it’s an illusion right? It’s a foolish standard. We are different people with different families.

And you may not believe me but that mom you admire (for a lot of good reasons) has struggles too! You may just not see or recognize them.

When we allow these illusions to be our realities we hurt ourselves and we hurt others.

We hurt ourselves because we are living in discontentment and bitterness. We are neglecting to be thankful for what God has given us here and now.

We hurt others because we put unreasonable pressure on them to maintain what others expect of them. They can’t show weakness.

We hurt others because our discontentment and insecurities lead to criticism. We try to find flaws in others to make ourselves feel better.

We prevent vulnerability. And honesty. And opportunities to pray for each other.

We smother our desire to encourage.

Either we idolize or we criticize. So what’s in between these two ditches?

The road of honesty. Humility. Grace.

What if we stop comparing? What if we start building up other moms?

And I don’t mean sharing those inspirational posts on social media that say ‘You are beautiful,’ ‘You are enough,’ You are doing a good job!’ Maybe they encourage someone, but I find them disingenuous. Reading that doesn’t make me feel seen or known.

Meaningful encouragement is specific and direct. I’m talking face-to-face, in a text or a handwritten note.

Do you like the way that mom teaches their kids? Tell her!

Do you appreciate the way she handled that conflict just now? Thank her!

Do you admire her perseverance and calm demeanor during a chaotic time? Encourage her and tell her ‘That was crazy but you did an awesome job!’

Does that mom come up with fun educational activities or cool crafty projects or make creative games and costumes? Don’t resent her for what you don’t have the time or capacity or desire for, tell her you love her creativity and that it’s special she is using it to interact with her kids.

Is that mom struggling? Offer to help and tell her ‘Hang in there, you can do this!’

Take a look around and find a mom. Really see her. Encourage her, even if you don’t know her.

My husband was out of the country for a week so I was on my own with the kids. I took 3 of them to the library and it was a hot mess. It was a miracle I could find them all by the time we checked our books out.

On our way out we stopped to play on the public piano outside the library. As the kids fought over who got to play, another mom came out of the library with her son and she called out to me- ‘You’re doing a great job mom!’

I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that until I did. She was a total stranger but she took the time to recognize I was doing my best in a hard situation and she offered encouragement.

Let’s be communities of women who can make confessions, who take off the masks, who give and receive encouragement.

We’re on the same team— the ‘Let’s Not Screw Up Our Kids’ Lives’ team! (Does someone want to come up with a logo for that?) Stop treating other moms like competition. Our lives are not a contest. Our kids are not free agents who can switch teams. There is no Super Bowl for moms, no MVP award to win.

We are not called to be perfect moms, we’re called to be faithful moms.

We are one in Christ and we need each other. We need honesty and we need support.

James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”

1 John 1:6-7 says, “If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.”

Telling the truth creates fellowship. Telling the truth creates opportunities for prayer where we get to see God work in our lives, together.

Confession is where the Gospel comes to life.

Because the truth is— we mess up. We are not enough. We don’t have things together. We need help.

And when we come to that truth the next truth is monumental: Jesus died for our imperfections. Jesus died for our sins. God is enough. He is strong when we are weak. We are new creations in him and through the Holy Spirit; only through the Holy Spirit can we be better moms.

I’ve made a lot of confessions here already, but there is one more confession left to make:

I need Jesus.

I’m sorry if my curated digital or face-to-face life has hidden that fact because it is the truest thing about me.

Every minute of every day I need him. And I would venture to guess that you need him too.

Let’s all get on the same team and pursue Christ together honestly.

Who needs normal?