Ode to Costco Pumpkin Pies

Ode to Costco Pumpkin Pies: The Heart of a Champion and an Existential Crisis: One Woman’s Journey Down Aisle 5
By: Brittany Shields

[Copied from my 11/21/23 Facebook post]

What you see here is a victor and a pie.

Do you know how many people I had to fight for this pie? Zero. Because strategy. And slightly younger joints.

It all started when I promised my mom a Costco pumpkin pie (which I don’t even like) for Thanksgiving. A pie she specifically and repeatedly told me she did not care about enough for me to have to wait in line for.

But “You know what, mom?!” I said (I didn’t say it, I just thought it), “I’m gonna get you the biggest cheapest pumpkin pie the world has ever known. And you’re gonna love it.”Because I have a Costco card and that is what Costco cardholders do.

I thought it would be just another trip to Costco.

The most wrong thought I had all week.

Costco pumpkin pie buying is an entire event. People skip weddings and funerals for this. People will stand in the line until their legs literally fall off. People trade in their youngest child for a pie just to sell it on the black market.

But I promised my mom a pie so there was no turning back.

So I got to Costco early with all the other psychos. The saying ‘Time is money’ is 98% true but it’s not a helpful belief system when you got a big cheap pie to buy.

I stood at the Costco gate in a growing sea of people. I was going to wait in the car until 10 while leisurely reading my book but that’s not an option when the parking lot starts to fill up and you have to get out and look your opponents straight in their pumpkin-pie-lovin-eyes.

I counted the heads. I knew I could take them. But the mass continued to grow. Easily a hundred people. I could no longer count.

I had to decide then and there what kind of shopper I was going to be. WWJD. I was not going to push or shove or run. I have to have morals. But also Jesus could turn water into pie so he wouldn’t get himself into this situation in the first place. I decided on a brisk walk down the side aisle.

As I pondered my thoughts I couldn’t help but ask- What are we doing here? We all need a big cheap pie this bad that we’re standing in line for a half hour just strategizing (maybe that was just me) and waiting for the doors to open? What is life? What is pie?

I’m here to admit that I perpetuated the consumerist mentality and Black Friday psychopathic shopping desperation that is: the love of a deal. I’m mostly not proud of it.

But I did get you a pie, Mom. <3